Tuesday, January 25, 2011

CRASH: State of the Universe


The Mucho Magnifique State of the Universe Address: Condensed (translated into reality) version:

Good evening and congratulations to the 112th Congress. The voters have spoken and their message is clear.  They want Republicans and Democrats to set aside partisanship and work together to fundamentally transform America, expand government, transfer the wealth and systematically destroy constitutional freedoms . Welcome. We have much to do.

The pathetically devastated economic cesspool we inherited from you know who is all better now. Pay no attention to 20 months of the highest unemployment since 1929 - So now we need to take responsibility "and reform our government. That’s how our people will prosper. That’s how we’ll win the future." [Direct quote. sigh] And tonight, I’d like to talk about how we get there.

Innovation - "our generation's sputnik moment!" [does he realize that's when the Russians kicked our azzez?] We need to spend vast sums of money on greenie stuff like algae powered electric cars, solar mills and wind panels.  People won't buy the crap because it costs too much and none of it works.  So we'll just take their money and shove it all down their throats.  You know, like BarryCare.

Ejakashin - We have created the Department of Progressive Education (DOPE) to ensure the teachers union gets much more for doing much less - and has full salary and healthcare for life.  DOPE will also make sure functionally illiterate public school graduates have good self esteem and feel all good about themselves n'stuff.

Infrastructure - The engineers who make all their money building infrastructure have given our infrastructure a grade of "D", and say we should give them $2.2 trillion to fix it. Oh, and Russia, Europe and China are way better, or something - so we're going to [Fanfare HERE] whip up some more shovel ready stimulus projects!

Let's see, what else? Ummm, oh yeah the deficit thingy. Yessir, we're gonna fix that dopey deficit by spending more money. But wait!! There's more! We're gonna have a domestic spending freeze! That'll save a super awesome $400 billion over ten years [less than the interest payment on the debt] And no more earmarks.  If you congresscruds want something for your district, apply to my Czars. 

Yes my friends, spending more to spend less means a bright, shiney future world with peace, love and polar bears - and you know you're gonna spend 20 bucks a month on paper towells anyway! You'd be crazy not to own this schtick! Here's how to order!

For the first time since the Ice Age, Republicrats sat side by side with Democritters and sang Kumbaya as the Dear, Dear Leader ignored their sorry arzzes and told all us little people what's what.

Ryan and Bachman's responses were effective and on target, but I fear The One pulled off a "WeeWee Are the World" public opinion coup with this one.
He's on a roll.

My response to this Scheistenkaka would be pretty simple:

National Debt Clock

Now return to your seats and shut up. We are in control here.

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